YKYW of the day

If you start referring to a STOP SIGN as "The Drive Thru".... please pull up to the second window!

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED

Random Original

Headaches the CURE!!

headache

Medical science has found a new way, cheap and possible free to get rid of headaches... Do you all want to know what it is..... SEX

Yes so no longer can your give you the excuse the 'hunny not tonight I have a headache...

That's like the green light to me baby

You should see the way I come home

I'm banging pots, I cream in a supper high voice, I pay my kids to get in touchy fights 'mom he touched me.' Game on baby I know I'm getting some tonight

YKYW of the day

When you start to wish you weren't related to you sister for moral and legal reasons.

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED

Random Original

Random Attack - Louis CK

Hey Random Army

We'll I know I haven't posted this in the blog before, but it may have been mentioned in an earlier podcasts. But I am starting a new "series" called "Random Attack" which is where I am going to be attacking anyone who has done something I don't agree with... don't worry I promise not to make this all about George Bush or Christians.

The first person who hit my radar and did something that I feel he needs to be attacked for is Louis CK... in a recent vidcast / podcast of his a fan wrote in asking him to do the Aristocrat Joke because he was a big fan of the joke and a huge fan of Louis. Louis said no!

We'll I have words for Mr. CK... tisk tisk I say... in the world of Steven Colbert "You get a wave of my finger"

Therefore I am going to do a vidcast of the Aristocrat joke for all of you!! So be on the look out... I am hoping to have it up in the next couple of weeks!

Random

SL Comedy Club Show!!!

Hey Random Army,

We'll the first SL (Second Life) show just ended... it was actually a really cool experience. I'll give a little overview of what happened for those of you who weren't there. First we started a couple minutes late because we had major problems with the audio stream and had to bag it and go with a pre-recorded show that i did special just for the SL Comedy Club.

You can listen to it all day today and then I am taking it down and putting it up on itunes. I know its "longer" and "funnier" that a lot of comedians full cds but i'll still price it for you guys at .99 cents!!

Anyways so the show started late and then it was really cool because while everyone was listening to the show... they could interact with me and make comments and jokes about my jokes. I think i really like having it pre-record so that I can laugh along with you guys... however dont worry we will get the stream fix and at least do one show where it is live!!

Anyways... that all for today!
Random

YKYW of the day

When you refer to your best friend as that little voice in your head

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED

Random Original

“Second Life” Virtual Reality Comedy Show Don’t Miss it 27th, 30th, & 2nd

Hey Random Army,

If you aren't a member or don't know what Second Life is look down at the bottom for a description.

But I will be performing what could be the first ever LIVE COMEDY SHOW on Second Life this Saturday the 27th at 9pm PST. You can log in from anywhere around the world!!!

Once you log in search for me... my name in second life is "Random Stine" as many of you know you have to choose a last name from a list.. so of course that is not my real last name. Then send me an instant message and I will offer you a "teleport" to the show... where you will be able to watch the show, laugh, chat with other people and then chat with me after the show. Also I will be giving away a free Second Life Random Army T-Shirt to everyone who attends the first 3 shows.

I have lined up three shows in a row.. they are

January 27th at 9am PST---- please note AM NOT PM
at the SL Comedy Club

January 30th at 8:30pm PST
at City of Acropolis

February 2nd at 6pm PST
at Onyx Lounge

If you have questions be sure to email me at rforrandom@hotmail.com!!!

Ok for those of you who dont know what Second Life here is a brief description... also if you have questions email more or visit www.secondlife.com

Second Life is an Internet-based virtual world, provided by Linden Lab, which gained a great deal of attention from mainstream news media in late 2006 and early 2007. Through a client program, users interact with each other through avatars, providing an advanced social network service.
While SL is sometimes referred to as a game, in general it does not have points, scores, winners or losers, levels, an end-strategy, or most of the other characteristics of games. Users, who are often called "Residents" amongst themselves, can visit this virtual world almost as if it were a real place. They explore, meet new people, participate in individual and group activities, and buy items (virtual property) and services from one another. As they spend more time in the world, they learn new skills and mature socially (in the sense of learning the culture of the world).
SL's virtual currency is known as the Linden Dollar, and is exchangeable for US$ in a marketplace composed of users and Linden Lab. The Earth-like, but flat, environment is simulated on a large array of servers, and is referred to as The Grid. As of January 2007, the number of users logged into The Grid follows a fairly regular daily pattern, reaching an approximate minimum of 12,000 (around 11am UTC) and maximum of 25,000 (around 10pm UTC).

YKYW of the day

When your deep philosophical conversation is at 2am with the clown head from the drive-thru window.

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED

Random Original

YKYW of the day

When you start referring to your driving record in Grand Theft Auto 3 terms..... one cop star, two cop stars, three cop stars

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED


Random Original

YKYW of the day

When you start telling everyone that its your birthday and they have to sing to you....RIGHT NOW!!!

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED

Random Original

YKYW of the day

When your buddy starts telling you to "Take one for the Team!"

YOU KNOW YOUR WASTED!!!

Random Original

Sesame Street from Sandman!!!!!

Hey Random Army!!!!!!

I wanted to post this email from Sandman, he is as random as they come and I hope you all love it!!!!!

Sandman:

Sesame Street, there must be a drug ring on that show, cause you got Elmo, noone is naturally that high, then you have a giat 7ft yellow bird, how is that possible STEROIDS! then you've got a monster who is blue and always has da munchies for cookies, and is really gittery, and to top it all off, its not a street its an ally, where is there a better place to deal drugs than an alley, haha

Thoughts on Marriage... from Scrappy http://www.myspace.com/your_baby_boo_885

Hey Random Army,

This is a clip from an online chat I had with a Super Random Army Fan!!! Scrappy told me her views on marriage and I had to post them for all of you!!! I dont agree or disagree with Scrappy but you have to read this... I think you will at least enjoy it, if not laugh your head off!!!!

Scrappy on Marriage:

Well, I say, That marriage is a bullshit way out, It a fucking way to destory something, if you're not already in living in hell, Sure, You might get that little paper signed, that says you're "legally" bound to one person for God only knows how long, but eventually it'll go to shit, because marriage is a fucking stupid idea, and I dont believe in, I dont feel I need to be "tied down" or "confined" to only one person...For the rest of my god damn life, and a fucking ring, oh yes, that'll fix it, Give me a pretty, That can you can place on my hand, let that pretty little ring be a band-aid and make all my problems go away, yup...Only thing that's gonna be going down, is the mother fucking ring, on my god damn finger is gonna burn my mother fucking finger right the fuck off...I mean, RIGHT THE FUCK OFF...

Well, That's what I think

Oh oh, and all the things that "marriage are" you already have, in a relationship, but it's the "next" step, so you must do it, even if you don't want too...Well, if taking that step is the only fucking way to "fulfill" your god damn relationship, maybe you should not be in a fucking relationship, maybe, you oughta just get a bunch of cats, or dog, something, but stay out of relationships...Cause eventually, After your honey-moon is over, and you're done scroggin' like there's no tomorrow, It all goes to shit...No matter what, There is no point, to get a pretty little white fucking dress, a bunch of damn flowers, to be condemned in a fucking place of RELGION that I dont believe in the first god damn place...Just to be put in your own god damn hell, you waltz into fucking without an objection.

Dumb I tell you, Dumb.

The Good Book

You know when people were writing the bible the used terms and example that explained things to people so that they would understand… and I say there is nothing wrong with this until they start talking about thing that are either coming in the future or exist in heaven… Like the good book, the book that either has your name in it or not.

First off lets think about this… GOD omniscient… meaning he know EVERYTHING!!! You would get to the front of the line and we would be like "O you, hummm, was it Jim, Jim right…. O You, God damit, hold on I can't remember, let me turn to my trusty book) WHY THE FUCK WOULD GOD NEED A BOOK….

Second, a book back then we like modern technology, I mean you could write shit down and wouldn't have to remember it… powerful shit hum… ok so lets just think about this… what if the bible was written today…

And I quote "From Damon Chapter 5: verse 73, and the only those who names are in the Good & Trusty computer shall enter the kingdom of heave, if you forget your identification pin number you can always have your "secret questioned" asked to you… those who Identification who can not be identified will be cast into the fiery lake of Detroit.

DVD's

So you know when you buy a dvd…yes I said BUY, pay money for…and I'm not talking about monopoly money either …. You go get a movie like V for Vendetta and you shell out like 19.97 for it… WOW I saved two cents by shopping at Target… you think you got a good deal on your movie, but they after you get home you realize they sold you only one dvd of a two dvd set for two cents cheaper… and your like AAAAAAAAhhhhhh, fuck you dot man, you bulls eye prick, … so you get your dvd that your all excited to watch and you take it home…and then you spend and hour trying to get the tape off… "ok I got the rap off, ok I cant wait to watch this…hu..humm, why wont this open up…O that's right it has this tape on the top I forgot… humm ok let see here maybe I can us my nail…O fuck that hurt…ok, ok, here it come yah.." and your pulling that tape back really slowly just like when your friend gets a sun burnt… like a really good sun burnt and you get to pick it… and your like " yah…yah ….YAH look at this one, this is like your whole back!!!" Ha ha ha….
But then it always, always tears and your like "Fucking Christ on Crutches" and then all these little pieces start sticking to your fingers and you cant get them off and now you can use your nail anymore…

So you get the sticker off….finally… then you like "Oh gunna watch my moviieee" O FUCK… another sticker and this time you don't care… your not going through that again… so now your going through the how looking for the largest knife you can find… you not even looking for the closest or sharpest… you looking for the biggest knife you have… you want to inflict pain on this sticker… "Die stick, Die… I rue the day you were made" Ah Ha ha ha…..

So you slice through the next to sticker… and literally do a hulk tear to get the box open "I told you not to make me angry, Ah aaa HH"

And what happens, the dvd always come flying out of the case an either hits you in the face or shoots itself under you entertainment center so you have to bribe the neighbor kid with his little finger to go under there and get it. "yah yah, here's your 5 bucks, for 15 second of work… yah don't worry about it… its only 4 times minium wage … it not high robbery … no seriously beat it… I like being anal rapped… don't tell you mom I said that … no no it just something that happens in prison…

Ok so now you have your dvd and you go make yourself some popcorn… you're going to get ready to enjoy this…. Maybe you like a coke with your popcorn or beer…. I myself Milk, yes yes, "helps make the body strong" so now you plop yourself done into your big chuffy chair… and your starting, starting to feel really stratified so put your feet up and rest your big buttery bowl of popcorn on your lap and then take your remote in your had and press play

And what come up… you know what come up… always first is that stupid ad for you not to steal dvd because actors and producers have family and they need to pay there bills and feed there kids and stealing is wrong… doesn't that just make you sit there and go "I WISH I HAD STOLEN THIS DVD, AHAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

The Big C

"The Big C" bit

So I had to go to Costco yesterday, or as I like to call it The Big C, now I know some of you know why everyone should call it The Big C, but if you still call it Costco you won't after tonight….because there is one thing, one reason we are all members to Costco….no it not the tasty little treats…which those are good…those are good when they go into my belly and they provide valuable nurturance to allow me to keep shopping…however I digress…the one reason we all are members of The Big C…each and everyone of us…is the big box of condoms…The Big C…truly there is nothing I like more then to be able to grab a rack of lamb, a new vacuum cleaner, and the big box of condoms…

You know they just sit there on those beautiful racks….long horizontal rusty orange steel bars with those never ending vertical poles which are more like pillars from heaven cascade a beautiful glow down onto the big C boxes, (Uhhhhhh, MAGNUMMSSSSS). Seriously there is nothing better then wondering on up grabbing the Big C and throwing it into your cart and maybe just maybe you just had a super nutritious, low fat energy snack along the way.…the thing that us men love most about rack setup (redoing physical rack lines) is the move we all do when we grab the big box of condoms…and its right here…. "getting laid", "getting laid" we all do it…yes you sir I know you do it…it what's goes through out head every single time "getting laid"….

No I have to you about my experience yesterday….I couldn't find the big C….and you say what no…that impossible its always right there….and mean we all know where right there means….its right there…next to the you know what and the other thing!!!! I KNOW I LOOKED THERE….but the big box of condoms wasn't there! So what do I do I go into Super Hunter Gather Mode….(pantomime pulling out a spear and peering around a corner and then seeing my prey and then throwing my spear) O sorry mam, I mistaken your son for a wild boar…I'm sorry…would you like a nutritional snack…I grabbed two….(Which you should never do by the way!!!)

Ok, so I'm now going down each row carefully looking and I think to myself well maybe they need more shelf space for shampoo…but you know they didn't….there is no way shampoo is more important then the big condom box for god sakes that's why we call it The Big C. So I'm looking at the Mack 3 razors, I'm even looking at the new Fusion shit…but I'm scanning with my eyes to try and see if I could have missed the Big C somehow…but it would make sense to have the big c next to the razors…..YOU WOULD THINK SO….

But no, so now I take a turn and where am I, o you know where I am, I'm now in female high gene products and I don't want to be in female high gene products but I need the Big C…now some of you are saying to yourself…just give up…maybe they ran out….come back tomorrow. Which I will say is an option under normal circumstances….but these were not normal circumstances because what you don't know is my roommate doesn't have The Big C membership…but he like all of us loves the big box of condoms….now he doesn't know the true love like you and I do…. "getting laid" but he still enjoys the value…and he asked me to pick up a box for him….if he had not done this I probably would have taken the option of giving up…because then I would have only been letting myself, my boyfriend, girlfriend and whore down…but I could also let down my room mate.

So now I did what no man, wait no person should ever have to-do…I left my cart to search…and right about then is when I started to get that feeling, you know that feeling when people are noticing you…there like…

"hey guys everyone, come check this out…no shisss, quite….this guy you see this guy….he cant find the Big C…no I'm serious….no I've seen him go through the female high gene twice….hey you…I don't even know you come here….you have to see this….let watch him…this is going to be hilarious"

And you can feel them just all on your shoulders…and so then when I had almost given up all hope and I'm masturbating with a box of fusion razors (fuck I cut myself again) I spot it…..out of my prorifreal vision I see them…. "Uhhhhhhh"

I kid you not, I almost started skipping for joy toward the big c and then it hit me….the Big C is now behind the pharmacy….behind the counter….you know what that means….that means Costco…yes I said Costco…because fuck them they don't deserve to be call the big C unless C is going to stand for Cunt….

Anyways I digress….what this means is Costco was losing so much money by people "stealing" condoms…that Costco took away from all of us….especially you sir…because you look like someone who has lots of gay Alan sex…just hot man on man action….i think that's wrong….that you as the bottom should have to buy the condoms.

So I did that math to see how much Costco was loosing on The Big C….a condom at retail price is .40 cents..40 CENTS….FUCK THEM….they took away from all of us…. "getting laid" for 40 fucking cents….FUCK YOU BIG C I HOPE WAL-MART DRIVES YOU OUT OF BUSINESS AND RAPES YOUR CHILDREN.

O sorry I digress again…ok where was I oh yesss…..So I have located The Big C out of my prorifial vision and it is behind the counter….so now I have to go over and be like…. "excise me penicillin boy, your going have to wait….I need the fucking big C" and the lady come ups…..its always a feel female….I've seen more straight male flight attendants in my life then I have seen males working behind the counter at a pharmacy…. "ah humm…excuse me sir is there anything I can help you with" "

"No mam I don't need anything for the inchness down here" all I needs is condoms

Oh you need condoms..

Yes two boxes

Taaa aaaa taaa taa too to two ooo two boxes

Taaa taa taa too too t ya yyahh ayyh YES BECAUSE I'M A WHORE…I'M A WHORE……AAAAAAYYYYYYYY

So it Begins

So it starts, this is the first official blog post for the R for Random blog. So I better explain what this blog will mostly be about.

First the blog will be my material the I write and edit…it will normally be in a ruff draft form…but if you love comedy and especially stand up comedy you will love this….

Second..When I don't have anything new you will get funny shit that I find from other comics…either a stand up video that is great of maybe a random joke….however anything I post that isn't my own has to meet a very high bar of funny.

Obviously this is going to be a Random blog so once and a while you will see a complete random blog posting to keep you on your toes.

So get ready Random Army....its going to be funny!